As Tragedy Unfolds

I felt today that I needed to write about the thing that's been at the forefront of my mind for the last couple of days. It's not a happy topic by any means, but right now a necessary one.
As the families of the passengers on board the now sunk ferry wait to find out if there are any more survivors, I feel like I am waiting with them. 
The story has made international news at home and in the US, but in case you don't know, a ferry carrying 459 passengers, travelling from Seoul to Jeju Island in South Korea, sank on Wednesday. The majority of the people on board the Sewol were high school students on a field trip. Reports are inconclusive right now as to what happened exactly but they think either the boat hit a rock, or turned too quickly causing cargo to shift to one side. Either way, the boat fell on its side and then later capsized. As of this moment 25 are confirmed dead and 280 are missing.

I've been reading all the updates and the tale that is unravelling just seems to be getting worse and worse. Of course it gets worse by the minute in that the likelihood of finding survivors is becoming less and less likely. But there are so many other things too. The weather and sea currents are so bad that the rescue mission is almost impossible. In fact three divers went missing at one point but thankfully were later found. In the official statement released by the parents, they say that they were at first informed that all the passengers had gotten off the ferry and that they should go to pick them up. When they got there, of course they found the reality to be entirely different. Some parents apparently went out in their own boat with private divers to try and help, but had to turn back due to several of them fainting from distress. I can only begin to imagine how distraught they all must be.
Police are now requesting an arrest warrant for the captain who abandoned ship rather than trying to help his passengers. Aside from the fact that it's against sea law for a captain to do that, it's difficult to get your head round how he could've left all those children and saved himself. I can't pretend to know I would be brave in that situation, but I like to think I would try and do what I could to help. There are reports coming out now about adults who died doing just that, and I hope they will be remembered forever by those people who were saved. The captain has released a short statement saying he's 'deeply ashamed and so sorry.' I think it would be easy to blame him for what happened and to condemn him for what he didn't do, but at the same time I have no idea if I would be able to act in a different or better way if I were in the same situation. The vice principal of the school was rescued but has now been found to have hung himself, near the gym where all the parents are waiting. I think this shows the extent of guilt any adults survivors must be feeling at this time. Whether we believe what they did was right or wrong, it's definitely fair to say they've been through something terrible.

What really gets to me is that unlike a plane crash, there was a window of opportunity in which many more people could have been saved. They ferry was only 25km off the coast of Korea, and there were fishing boats nearby that quickly picked up people in the water. Reports have said that passengers were told to 'stay where they were' and then never actually instructed on how or when to try and escape. And then it was too late.  It's so angering. I know it's generally not advised to jump into freezing cold water, but I think a lot more people would've had more of a chance than they do now. 


Anyway, apologies for such a depressing post, I just wanted to say something about it. And now all I can do- along with the families, the people of Korea and the rest of the world- is put my trust in the rescuers, wait and hope for a miracle. 

The Illusion of Wasted Time

I'm currently in the middle of a wonderful week off from work, in which I've set myself lots of goals in the areas of studying, reading, writing, drawing, correspondence, cleaning and more. In typical me style, each day I've given myself way too many things to realistically do and then spent most of the day wallowing in a mixture of indifference, apathy, self-loathing and pure joy as I procrastinate to high heaven.

I'm starting to wonder if, by making a task something I should or need to do, I psychologically then don't want to do it. By that logic then if I put 'watch seven episodes of Frasier in a row and eat chocolate' on my list then maybe I will instead practice cartwheels and eat a bowlful of apples.
I'm noticing a trend. One day I might put 'do the washing' on my list, and end up drawing a picture. Then the next day if I put 'draw a picture' on the list, I might find myself cleaning my clothes. The activity in question is irrelevant- its mere presence on the list renders it undesirable.
So by the list logic I will eventually do everything, but I'll do it in an order that makes me feel perpetually guilty for not having got things done 'that day.'

As a (tortured) writer I definitely suffer with guilt. There is no escape from the feeling that anything else I'm doing is a waste, a dreaded procrastination. 
I sometimes lament the fact that my blog isn't bigger, that more people don't read it. Occasionally I join a link up or something to try and get more traffic. Then I stop and ask myself- do I even really want this? Needless to say popularity would be fun and it would be nice to have more of a blogging community. On the other hand, there are the following drawbacks:

• Do I want to do sponsored posts for money? You get sent cool stuff for free, but you're not free to blog about what you want to). 

• Do I want to feel pressure to reply to comments left on a blog post? Some bloggers get a hundred comments every time they post something. At my average 0.0047 comments per blog post, I have no problem staying on top. 

• The most popular bloggers blog upwards of five times a week. How on earth would I find five things to write about each week?

No, I think all in all I'm better off being free to ramble at my own pace, allowing it to be a fun pastime rather than edging into the dangerous territory of chore. 

I sometimes dream about being a concert pianist and wish I was (infinitely) better at playing. But then if it was my day job I'd probably hate it. Not to say I hate my day job now or anything, I just mean that sometimes we think if we could have our favourite hobby as a career then life would be perfect. In actual fact for many people, being paid to do something (with the resulting deadlines and boundaries and pressure) can turn the thing they once loved into a pain in the ass. 

In short, sometimes hobbies are best left as hobbies.
 
I read a great quote the other day in Writing Children's Fiction. On the subject of 'Writers Magic' Linda Newbery says, 

"imagination only comes when you privilege the subconscious, 

when you make delay and procrastination work for you.’’ (pg79)

So maybe as a writer I'm lucky. I can do an activity totally unrelated and still call the time spent a success in terms of the daydreaming I did.
But even if I'm not doing what I'm 'supposed' to being doing, or even thinking about it in any way, shape or form, should I feel guilty? Should I care? I've decided the answer is a big fat no. I'm the only one putting this pressure on myself and creating a false sense of what's important and what's not. 

In the end it doesn't matter what we do with our time. All that really matters is that we're enjoying doing it. Is that not what life is about, after all?

 

 

Dream Big, Kid

I recently went on an outing to an ice rink (and on a side note I'm pleased to announce that, unlike the skiing debacle, it was a roaring success!) As I slid at my 'Rachel pace' around in a steady anticlockwise motion, I watched the girls in the coned off section in the middle practicing their turns and spins. Despite often falling over (to the great displeasure of their rather grumpy old man instructor), they were amazing. One girl, aged about eleven, span quickly round and round and round, holding her leg bent behind her as she went and then slowly bringing it up until she was doing the vertical splits. Wowser.

Olympic champion skater Kim Yuna

My friend told me that Kim Yuna herself used to practice at that very ice rink when she was a hopeful figure skating youth.














As I watched I began to ponder on the wonderful- and often later forgotten- world of children's hopes and dreams.

A few years ago I attended a training workshop as part of a collaboration between youth workers and other agents of services for young people. The training was led by a woman from Connexions, which for any of you who don't know, was a careers advice service for 13-19 year olds in the UK. My own experience of them had been less than positive, consisting of a single thirty minute slot in which a fifteen year old me checked boxes next to the relevant interests and strengths and was then presented with a list of completely bizarre 'suitable' jobs. I seem to remember accountant being one of them...

The workshop was about helping to guide young people on the right paths to jobs. I can't say I was particularly inspired, but thought the premise sounded fair enough. 
That is, until the trainer opened her mouth. 
Within five minutes she'd depressed me so much I just wanted to run out the door and never look back. 

Her opening deal was this:

"What did you want to be when you were young?"
We went round the room:

"A fireman!"
"A Space man!"
"A Gymnast!"
"A Pianist!"
"A children's author!"

Oh how we all laughed. 


Then she said (brace yourself): 

"And what do you want to be, now that you're grown up?"
Nobody else even flinched.

"A lifeguard."
"A police man." 
"A senior youth worker."
"A manager."
"Erm...A children's author?"

She chose to ignore the fact that my two answers were the same (I suppose it didn't really fit with the ethos of her workshop) and proceeded to announce:

 "And thats what Connexion's is here for-

to connect young people with their realistic dream jobs!"

I'll never forget that. 

I teach a class here where each student thinks about what job they want when they grow up. I love that to a child the difference between becoming a teacher or becoming an opera singer, is nothing.

It's their dream, and that's it.

So I say dream big, dream big like a kid and forget what that Connexions woman said. 

 

A little bit of Thanks

It's been a busy few weeks getting settled back into life here. I'm slowly but surely crawling towards this semester's hand in date at uni (hooray!). I've decorated the apartment and put up the Christmas tree. After a rather painful three weeks we've moved onto night shift, finally allowing me that peaceful, wonderful time in the morning to write, read and sleep. 
Work is as it ever was and the students are much the same. I've been surprised by their general low level of English, making me realise how good some of my other students have been since last time I was here. In stark contrast to the Saudis, Korean kids are so well behaved and conformist, sometimes to the point of freaky. Generally they are very sweet and enthusiastic about being here at English Village. It's great to be in an environment where the students are happy. I am especially loving them stopping to bow at me in the corridor!
Being back after so many other experiences both in and out of the classroom have made me view this job in a completely different light. I'm finding new and interesting ways to teach the classes and am basking in the glory of the non-existent planning. I'm finding the menial paper cutting tasks given to me during 'programming' lessons relaxing and fun. I'm pleased with the free food, even if sometimes there are squid tentacles swimming in the soup.

Perhaps as a direct result of my magical positive state, I'm noticing how much other people complain. I've come to realise that depending on how you choose to see it, there is so much to be happy about or equally so much to hate. I notice people saying things that maybe I would've said the first time round. I'm noticing arrogance and superiority and grumbling over nothing. It's making me laugh that people can be so openly lazy and sometimes rude in front of the bosses. At times the unprofessionalism (word??) makes me cringe. I'm seeing that being ungrateful and negative are not attractive traits.

Maybe I've just learnt to live with the shit, but I have to say I prefer viewing the job -and my life- through this new, happier lens.

Playing 'Pilgrims' at Thanksgiving dinner

 

The Decline and Rise of the Attempted Hobby

I'm currently reading Miranda Hart's "Is it just me?" (it's a rivetingly hilarious read, you should try it), which has got me thinking all about the subject of hobbies. Miranda talks about the change from childhood, where you could try anything and be anything whether you were good at it or not, to teenage years where hobbies were only generally pursued if the person was already somewhere along the road to success in that chosen pastime. And then when you're an adult, you invariably begin to feel bad about your lack of hobbies and therefore endeavour to take some up, most probably leading to embarrassment, feelings of inadequacy, and often downright failure.
This made me laugh so much (and cry a little inside) because it's just so bloody true. I often think I missed my calling on the stage/in a choir/as a concert pianist/artist/tennis star, but can't find it in myself to take any of these things up as hobbies now- except the piano because I started when I was six, but woe betide I think of playing in public. Of course I often pretend I'm in a stage show of Sister Act (a proper one, not the west end silliness with different songs to the original, urgh) but the idea of auditioning for a just-for-fun-no-pressure choir brings me out in a cold sweat.
When I was sixteen I auditioned for a part in the Beatles version of A Midsummer Nights Dream at school. My friend and I (you know who you are) thought somehow that the teacher might catch a glimpse of our innate brilliance and cast us as Lysander and Hermia. But in reality we sucked, were given parts in the choir and forced to stand in the background as hippy clad 'trees' along with a load of year 7's and 8's. Despite being a highly amusing experience, I do believe that this is where my fear of 'giving things a go' stemmed from.
At Uni I tried out a few hobbies. Buddhist meditation was fun for a while, until it got serious. I remember sitting on a precarious tower of three cushions, eyes closed, pretending to be 'focused on feeling the same feelings towards someone you love and someone you hate' (impossible), when my friend and I had a wildly inappropriate giggling fit for no reason. Needless to say this was met with sincere disapproval by the other meditators and it was then that we knew we needed to leave.
After that there was the kayaking society. Whilst I love kayaking on holiday, I had a few issues with the club itself: #1. I didn't want to spend my weekends off at a random lake somewhere instead of in the pub. #2. Practicing in a swimming pool is plain old crap, however you try and dress it up. #3. I didn't want to do the 'Eskimo roll' in front of everyone.
The longest stint in a new hobby at uni was my street dance and tap classes. Despite my dreams of grandeur, both of these things proved that when it comes to dancing I am very much a clumsy elephant. I did, however, force my housemates to come and see our 'performance.' I still have the photos- one of me in legwarmers, the other wrapped in a feather boa, and in both the look on my face is something of pride mixed with intense mortification.
After uni there was circus club, which was full of weirdos- who would've guessed?
In Saudi I was proud of myself for climbing an indoor wall. It was terrifying and painful and I spent the whole time egotistically convinced that everyone was laughing at me. I got to the top, but rather than make me want to do it again, this achievement enabled me to happily retire from the sport, glad that I hadn't embarrassed myself too much, or in fact died.
Lee and I also embarked on a 'trek in the desert' venture in Saudi, all set with good intentions of fresh air and exercise. The reality was, however, that we got a lift with a crazy American man who didn't actually know where we were going so instead just drove us to a random place in the desert somewhere outside of Riyadh. There was a scary moment where he stopped the car, miles away from anywhere and announced that he 'needed to get something out of the trunk.' Convinced that he was going to emerge with an axe or hacksaw, we sat nervously waiting until much to our great relief he pulled out a bottle of (half decent) homemade booze. We then spent the afternoon driving around nowhere in particular, getting pissed and not finding the walking group or indeed getting out of the car. Much more fun in my opinion.
And of course I've also taken up the ukulele, although I'm not very good at it. But then that's exactly Miranda's point- why can't we simply enjoy doing things, without this pressure to be miraculously good at them?

 

And the next prejudice on the list is... Homophobia!!

In the wake of London Gay Pride and the passing of the gay marriage bill in the US, I read a great blog entitled Where's the straight pride? It's not fair, by a very successful blogger Jack Monroe who basically came out to all her readers in this post. I found her heartfelt words extremely moving- it's easy to forget as a straight person all of the little (and big) things that can be more difficult for gay people. For example holding hands or kissing in public, or wondering how new friends/colleagues will react when you tell them. 
Britain and other Western countries are working to eradicate prejudice and pass laws for equal rights for gay people, most currently the right to marriage. Even though it seems to move exasperatingly slowly at times, you only have to look back in modern history to see how much things have changed and that we will inevitably get to a point where being gay is as accepted and normal as it is to be a woman, or to be black.
We did the fight against sexism. Then we did the one against racism. And now we're here. In a way we're living through a time in which history is being made. One day hopefully people will look back and say 'Wow, I can't believe it used to be like that.' And just as I am forever grateful to the suffragettes, so will future generations be to the people now who are fighting for the right for gay people to be treated the same as anyone else.

My experiences living abroad have shown me exactly how lucky I am to be from such a modern society. In Korea homosexuality was somewhat of a taboo, only acknowledged through 'homo hill'- the one small street in the city where there were a handful of gay bars. I know of at least two colleagues who hid their sexuality whilst working in Korea, worried about the negative impact it might have on their employment.
And what about Saudi Arabia? They haven't even got anywhere near equal rights for women yet, let alone for different races. And I'm pretty sure they still stone people for behaving homosexually. So give them a couple of hundred years and maybe they might catch up to where we are now.
There are still many places in the world that treat women as inferior and I know now that in this respect I took being brought up in England for granted. Then there are even more places where people are discriminated against because of the colour of their skin. But more widespread even than that, there are countless countries where to be openly gay would be to endanger your life. 
I guess what I'm trying to say is that even though we're perhaps not quite there yet, I'm proud to be a part of a nation that constantly works towards equality. 

GAY PRIDE FOREVER!!

 

Keep your hands and arms inside the carpet, we're outta here!

Early tomorrow morning we are leaving the Kingdom of Saudi Arabia, I hope never to return. One year was quite enough for me.
 
The last three weeks have been a slow, painful process of basically just seeing time through. It honestly feels like time has been getting slower and slower like a music box preparing to stop, an endurance test at its worst. And now, finally it's all over. We made it! 
I've been reflecting on my ten months in this country. Was it a hateful waste of time? Was I completely miserable? Despite my constant complaining, the answer to these questions has got to be no.
There's no point denying it's been great to earn good money- this was after all the main reason we came. The holidays we went on were wonderful and kept us sane. Also, money has allowed us more choice for the future, so thanks Saudi for that.
Having time to work on my stories and blog, learn the ukulele and watch TV has been fun. It's a good job I like indoor individual hobbies, as there certainly wasn't a lot else on offer. 
I've met some great kids and lovely Saudi women. There are a lot of decent people here hidden behind those burkas.

That's about it for the 'what I will miss' portion. So what have I learnt?

I've learnt that there is an intricate web of issues going on in this country, not just the ones everyone knows about. I read the other day that slavery was only abolished in the 60's, which explains to some extent the despicable racism and lack of humanity towards immigrants from poorer countries.
I've learnt that if you allow boys as young as 13 to drive and don't give them anywhere to go, they will inevitably screech, race and drift up and down the streets causing great danger to all who get in their path.
I've learnt that if you don't give women anything to do other than eat and shop, they will most probably become fat and materialistic.  
I've learnt more than ever that I passionately do not condone the death penalty (especially public executions) or the use of lashes or any other torture. I had a dream the other day that I witnessed a beheading- it was so graphic I woke up in a sweat. The continued use of this barbaric act here is Saudi has definitely made a lasting mark on me.  
I've worked hard doing a full time job and eight hours of privates every week. I've learnt how to teach one set of students for an entire year, how to keep their interest and overcome some serious behavioural issues. I've learnt how to work with no support, no systems and no resources. I've survived and come out loving the children I once dreaded, and I think for that I can be proud.

Finally, I've learnt that some of my strongest values and beliefs include equality, respect for other religions and races and compassion as well as, of course, freedom.
I feel that I've gone a long way this year to understanding and appreciating what freedom really is and what it means to have it taken away. And I hope that in the future I will never, ever take it for granted.

 

 

 You can't put a price on freedom,

So long suckers!

Waiting to Live Again

As you've probably gathered if you've been reading my blogs for the past 9 months, my life in Saudi has been pretty uneventful, my social life almost non-existent. The highlight of our weekend was a get together with the people we live with, at the tables outside our front door. Actually it was lovely- the Thai lady we know cooked some amazing food and we had a fair bit of home made wine. I'm just saying that this is as exciting as it gets, which for me is a bit scary. Out of the whole of the rest of the weekend my outings totalled going to the corner shop (in a nasty sand storm) and going to the gym.
The thing that has saved us this year- and this is going to sound really sad- is TV. Lee and I were talking the other day about how many shows we've watched. I thought I'd share it with you, in order to display exactly how dull life has been.
In no particular order, since September we've made our way through:

• Downton Abbey, Seasons 1, 2 and 3.
• Dexter, Season 7.
• True Blood, Season 6.
• Game of Thrones, Season 2 (waiting for 3 to be finished so we can watch it all in one go!)
• Homeland, Season 1
• Heroes, Season 1
• Walking Dead, Season 1
• Spartacus, Seasons 1, 2 and 3
• Sons of Anarchy, Seasons 1, 2, 3, 4, and we're halfway through 5.

This show is the DON!

And on top of that countless episodes of Friends, South Park, Simpsons and Big Bang Theory.

Need a life, much?

I loved watching these shows (except walking dead) but as always too much of a good thing is never good. Seriously, I keep day dreaming about doing simple things like walking into town, sitting on a bench next to the fountain eating a jacket potato, or going to the park. And of course then there's the pub and just talking to people and being allowed to be sociable.
The kids have left school now and our private tutoring has finished too, so I go to work at 7am, do nothing, leave at 12pm, go home, do nothing. Don't get me wrong, it's good to chill, but it gets mighty boring after a while. We went food shopping yesterday and I was almost jumping along the aisles, bursting with energy- and anyone who knows me would say this is not normal (I am generally more a fan of lethargy). There were loads of women alone at the supermarket yesterday- obviously out for their highlight of the week too. It's funny that when you're looking at burkas you really notice people's footwear. There were twinkly toms, cork wedges and even some killer sexy high heels. I found myself asking, 'why would you wear your heels to the supermarket?' Lee made a good point in reply, 'when else are they gonna wear them?'
So that explains why the P.E teacher at school was so often seen in stilettos.

Time for a Change... of blogger

This is my first ever guest post, from none other than Mr. Lee Barnes!

Facebook. A place that you can choose to pass your free time whiling away the minutes chatting to old friends, new friends, people you can hardly remember meeting (if you’re that type of user). A place to play games with or against people around the globe. A place to let people know what you had for dinner with a photo to prove it.  A place to talk, frape, network and the like. Lolling and using swear words in abbreviated form (that’s alright then!) like we are computer geniuses because we use the computer 23 hours a day but in fact don’t do anything else other than maybe type a crappy word document for some crappy thing that is taking up valuable time from being a computer genius. I speak here for myself of course.

Facebook. I don’t actually like it that much but it is akin to Pringles. But I think it may have changed my life or at the very least opened my eyes wider than I think they have ever been. Considering matchsticks were as necessary for me at school as a pen and pencil, that’s saying something! For I often receive videos on my newsfeed of various interesting and banal things, not all of them I bother to watch as it takes some time to load due to the lightweight internet we have been provided. Seriously if this internet was a person, you could take it to a bar (obviously if this person wasn’t in Saudi Arabia) and order it a half a shandy and it would be on the floor retching its guts up on its first sip of the watered down beverage. So, I chose to download this video that appeared on my newsfeed, make dinner, wash up, drink a non-alcoholic beer and satisfy Rachel…..by way of washing up, and then finally I watched this video.

The video is a TV interview for Russia Today, for those who don’t know it’s a news channel that expresses views that the mainstream channels wouldn’t even consider. The interview starts with the news headline ‘No Money, No Problems’ underneath the newscaster. The newscaster begins by talking about the economy and relaying the view that many people consider it broken. She then continues to say that big problems need big ideas then she picks up a fistful 'o' dollars and says ‘Here’s one, money. Throw it away!’ and she throws the green stuff on the floor.  She simply follows this action by saying ‘Crazy right?!’ then she introduces Peter Joseph.

Now I won’t tell you blow for blow what he said, that’s the fun part because you can watch it for yourself just YouTube Peter Joseph: Moving Beyond Money  or  it's been handily added as a link above! But his main point is to change the economic system that we presently use into a resource based economy. Now this guy isn’t a Tree hugging Trevor or a Pothead Paul but a lot of what he talks about is the absolute wastefulness our current system and the pressure to perpetually consume and use and then of course the pressure to have the money to consume and use. With machines doing more and more of the work, jobs are becoming fewer. The monetary system is innately corrupt and only serves to keep us in the ‘rat race’.

For me, Peter tells some truths that I think are important to quote: ‘The current economic model is stuck in time and is not representing what meets human needs, we have to get back to what supports human life, what we’ve learned from nature...... We can easily feed everyone on this planet. And the more you step back and look at how technically you can provide for the population, eliminate war, eliminate famine and eliminate crime, which is 95% money related, it begins to become clear an entirely new approach can be taken….’

It’s interesting to note all the while when Peter is talking there is a scrolling news feed at the bottom of the screen that mentions public fury at cost of foreign military campaigns, austerity cuts, EU bailouts, radiation spike at a nuclear power plant, No fly zone over Libya because of airstrikes, clashes in Bahrain, police fire at demonstrators in Syria…..the list goes on.

The main point I guess is this, if we are to survive, we simply cannot continue in this way. When profit is more important than people, we cannot say that we live in a civilized society. When we reward greed and punish poverty, we cannot say that we live in a just world. When we continue to plunder the worlds finite resources instead of using the technology that we already have to harvest the clean, renewable resources, we cannot say that we live in a wise world. If we want to change that and I for one certainly do then we need to try something different and from the research I have done, getting rid of money is sounding less crazy and making more and more sense.

 



Fancy a game of chess?

 

If you're struggling to envisage a world where money is a thing of the past, then take a look at this link. The video is worth a watch. So take a look and see for  yourself. I challenge you to disagree with any of the 10 principles!  http://www.freeworldcharter.org/en 

Loving the Dull Times

I've been thinking lately about the idea of "looking forward to things." When I was about seven years old I remember being freaked out when I realised that all things come to an end, no matter how long you look forward to them beforehand. For example, I would be excited for months about going away on holiday in the summer, and then all of a sudden it would come and go and I'd be like, Oh, it's over. I think sometimes the act of looking forward to something can eclipse the thing itself- if you get overly excited you're at risk of disappointment when the event arrives. There's also the age old problem of "time flies when you're having fun."
I guess this is on my mind because of the way my life is here. Sure, we're lucky to be able to afford lots of holidays, but it's tiring spending all the time in between just looking forward to them. And then inevitably they're gone in a flash. That's just the way it goes. Also I think being a teacher makes you see your life in blocks. Getting through that lesson, or that day, or that semester. Looking forward to Wednesday (that's Friday to you) and feeling a sense of dread when Friday night comes (the Sunday night blues). And it's weird because I don't even dislike my job, it's almost just an automatic reaction to 'going back to school.'

A quote from Catch 22 on the subject:

"Maybe a long life does have to be filled with many unpleasant conditions if it's to seem long. But in that event, who wants one?"

In a place where I constantly live for the holidays, I like to try and savour the boring/ down-right awful moments. I don't like to wish things away, and am also aware that in a few weeks I'll leave this place forever and hopefully will look back with some fond memories(?!)

My plan is this: to savour and secretly enjoy every moment, whilst tricking my brain into believing I'm not enjoying them. Also to not think too much about holidays but to let them creep up on me. Then I'll have a slow and fun life! Ha! 


Anyway, enough rubbish. Here's my holiday video. It's my second attempt at movie making, and I think it's a little better than the last one.

The Real Joy is in the Making of the List

These days I try not to make goals and lists for myself, as I find they can often lead to disappointment and a sense of under achievement. For example, new years resolutions are a big no no for me- if you want to do something, why not start now?
Coming back from holiday, however, is one of those times when I just can't resist a nice juicy 'things I want to do' list.

Here it is:

• Review the books I've been reading, for my poor neglected 'reviews' blog.
• Review hotels and receive Agoda points (then actually find out how to use them next time I book something)
• Try to use DVD maker (for the first time) to showcase holiday photos
• Put some effort into planning school work
• Find an unsuspecting innocent at work to teach me Arabic once a week
• Skip more
• Cook Soup and try out Phil's wonderful recipes
• Decorate flat, starting with a trip to Ikea!
• Work on Spanish
• Write the next chapters of Map Mysteries (and maybe finally give the story a proper name)
• Learn a new musical instrument
• Find out where on earth to buy a musical instrument from in a country that pretty much forbids them.
• And last but never least, say a post-holiday hello to my family on skype.

I think that'll do for now, I feel exhausted just thinking about it all. Maybe its time for a mid morning nap! 

Do you have any plans or goals? I'd love to hear about them.

Sadness and Stress (the happiest post in the world)

I was in the middle of writing a blog post on Sunday when I received the news that my beautiful cat Freddie had suddenly died. I would like to say I held it together but truth be told I was devastated. Freddie was lovely and I was very attached to him from the moment we brought him home six years ago. He was so much smaller than his brother and didn't even know how to drink milk properly at first. He was such a curious and sociable cat and would often follow me wherever I went round the house. While I've been at home recently he watched me play on the Wii a lot, his head going back and forwards, trying to figure out what on earth I was doing. I never once saw him remotely angry or vicious (except of course when he brought in mice).
He was found under a neighbours garden bench, and just looked asleep.
I know he was just a cat, but he was my cat and I loved him. He will be truly missed and the Rock house won't be the same without him.

Anyway, that's that. This is what I was writing before about my new job:


A combination of spoilt children brought up by maids and lack of organisation in the school, meant that on my first day I stepped into a classroom that was worse than any I have experienced before (that's right SEV people, they were in fact worse than aloysius). The principal's warning that morning that I should be strict, in no way prepared me for the running on the tables, the water fights, the actual fights and the screaming and shouting that were pretty much constant through my first and second day. I know I'm not the toughest person in the world and I don't claim to know everything about classroom management, but I really did try. When you've been given no reward or discipline system, however, and no pencils, paper or even teachers desk, it is basically impossible. I asked the principal if I could send students down to her office if necessary, to which she just laughed and said, "no we don't do that here." So what then? Eventually, after a few instances of taking children by the arm and hurling them out of the room (not my proudest educational moments) I finally found someone to call on in times of crisis. A non-English speaking intern who by goodness knows how to shout. By the end of the week, just the threat of bringing her in was enough to make most of the boys at least sit down, if not be quiet.
One week in, I think I'm going to be OK. Yes, the boys are still naughty and loud and one in particular is completely defiant and refuses to do anything- he lay on the floor, plumping up other people's bags to use as pillows in my last class- but they are also really sweet and hilarious. And it's amazing how a seven year old can be bought with the promise of a smiley face stamp on their hand.
And tomorrow, after I introduce the magical all controlling star chart, my students will finally be powerless to resist my rule. hahahahahahaahaha (evil laugh).


I can now tell you, after my second week, that things are getting there slowly. My star chart is up and running and I've also been to talk to the big bosses to vent my issues. They've agreed to give me a learning support assistant, so things are looking up!

I said…. Yeah

It’s hard to know where exactly this story started, in much the same way as it has not yet and probably will never finish. Maybe it began in a small and stuck-up office somewhere in Madrid where I was told to leave and never come back. Or maybe it began before that when I was lucky enough to become an aunty twice over, consequently promising myself I would never move as far away as Korea ever again.
As I searched for jobs, considering and then dismissing (or being dismissed from) various worldwide options, I found myself drawn to the UAE, but for one reason or another it seemed impossible to actually gain employment there at this point. Onwards my eye searched, to the UAE’s bigger, bolder and definitely scarier brother Saudi Arabia. After much deliberation, Lee and I decided we would give it a go. No less than ten minutes into an interview however, it became apparent exactly how big a problem it would be to live there as merely 'a couple.’ Walking down the street together, visiting each others houses or in fact talking to each other at any point are on the list of things that are illegal for a man and woman who are not related or married to do. Hello hands chopped off, or possible stoning (how I joke).This reality led to an awkward moment involving skype and a recruiter named Hannah, in which Lee proposed marriage, and Hannah left us to ‘talk things through together.’
Getting married? For a job? The thought was at first completely insane. Perhaps over time we talked ourselves into it, but nevertheless somewhere down the line it started to make sense. Surely everyone needs a reason to get married and maybe this was ours. I’ve heard a few people say they think marriage should be ‘for love’ but I’m confused why anyone would wag their finger at us disapprovingly and use this as an argument against our decisions. There has never been any doubt as to the fact that I love Lee, and I am certain the feeling is mutual. The real culprits of not marrying for love, in my eyes, are those who do it for money, due to pregnancy or pressure from parents, or because ‘it’s what people do,’ to name just a few reasons.
The next step was to call Coventry registry office. Has there ever been a more depressing thought? I’m not sure. Certain that it wasn’t the right way for us, and after a few too many drinks at a close friend’s wonderful after-wedding-house-party, our plan was born. Vegas baby!
And that was that basically. Four days later we arrived and exactly a week after making the decision we got married. Accidentally during a solar eclipse, may I add!
I loved it. People think Vegas chapels are cheesy, which they totally are, but it’s so perfect because you can do exactly what you want to do, exactly your way, and no one bats an eyelid. My only criticism is that same sex marriage is illegal in the state of Nevada- which seems to juxtapose the entire point, but never mind. The service was ten minutes long, conducted by minister Bob. I was terrified and clung to Lee’s hands, trying not to nervously laugh my way through the vows. I seriously don’t know how people do that in front of all their family and friends! I was actually so scared that it wasn’t till afterwards I realised I had in fact forgotten to say ‘I do.’ I knew at the time that ‘yeah’ wasn’t quite right, but couldn’t for the life of me think why. So there we have it, I am the girl who said ‘yeah.’ Nice one.
Afterwards we had a bottle of Asti and went on the rides at the top of the Stratosphere tower. All in all it was my idea of a perfect wedding!
I'm a great believer in things happening for a reason, so I know that however unconventional or weird it all may seem, something led me and Lee down this path and I know deep down that it was the right thing to do. Added to which, I'll always be able to say that my wedding dress cost 21 dollars! Now what could possibly be better than that?   

Down the Rabbit Hole

Week two done, and I’m still alive, just about. Sometime this week-around Wednesday I believe, I had a little mini breakdown due to over work, but all is ok now! The rollercoaster continues and is definitely a bumpy ride.
I would like to quote something from 'Chicken Soup for the Soul,' a book which more often than not makes me want to puke on it rather than being inspired to live life to the full. But anyway, this I rather liked:
When your ‘there’ has become a ‘here,’ you will simply obtain another ‘there’ that will again look better than ‘here.’ 
And so, in light of trying desperately not to wish away these four weeks and to enjoy the moment, I have endeavored to remember, and now relay to you, a couple of memorable parts from the last seven days.
The hotel that houses the course is run by a crusty old English man named Clarence who has a far-too-young-for-my-liking Thai wife. I knew old Clarence was trouble on the very first day we met him, when he announced that the bar 'closes at 10.30pm and after that we expect quiet.' On Friday night, after a grueling week, the ten of us with a desperate need to blow off steam, were ordered to leave the bar at the grand hour of eleven, and to go up to the tree house area near our rooms instead. So we did. But no more than five minutes later, we were told to leave the tree house too, by a girl who is also staying in the hotel, because she 'had work in the morning.' Seriously?  
So we went back to the bar where we were soon met by the dreaded Clarence. Lee, always up for a heated debate/argument, stepped up as spokesman to relay the opinion of the downtrodden masses. The conversation quickly deteriorated, culminating in Clarence calling Lee a 'self-centred foreigner.' To this, Lee, as anyone who knows him could predict, told old Clarence to f*ck off, and stormed out.
The episode got me thinking. Does Clarence have a point? Are we self-centred for needing to relax after a week on a CELTA course, in a place where there is nowhere else to go? In my mind the answer is firmly NO. Firstly, isn’t it a bit rich to call someone else a foreigner, when you yourself are a posh old white man? I'm not sure that you can ever get away with that, no matter how long you’ve lived in a country. And anyway, who is he to judge us- people who he had never even talked to before except to take 1000Baht each off us as a surprise room key deposit. But what interests me the most is how he could be so hypocritical. Hello, Mr Thai wife…? Talk about using your birth place and therefore bank balance as a bargaining chip to get what you want in a less developed country. The icing on the cake came later when I found out that this is in fact Clarence's third wife. That's right. Lovely.  
Last night we all went out for dinner, and were highly amused to find ourselves at the much loved 'Pauline and Mr. Chan's Pizza' restaurant. Man there's gotta be a story behind how a middle aged British woman from the 'Birds of a Feather' era and an oriental kung fu master got together, moved to Thailand and opened a pizzeria. We couldn't help but wonder if Pauline was Clarence's first wife…
And finally, a couple of poems from the past week (keeping the spirit alive Stephen!) that aptly encapsulate how I feel right now.

The game we play
is let’s pretend
and pretend
we’re not pretending
we choose to
forget
who we are
and then forget
that we’ve
forgotten
who are we really? 
                        From Response/Ability by Bernard Gunther

'Twas brillig and the slithy toves
Did gyre and gimble in the wabe:
All mimsy were the borogroves,
and the mome raths outgrabe.   
                        From The Jabberwocky by Lewis Carroll